Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
You Might Also Like
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.