Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.