Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”