Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Finally, an explanation.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone