Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
When you kidnap a writer.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?