coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.