I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
You Might Also Like
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.