Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
the last thing a carrot sees
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.