Taking phone security to the next level.
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BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”