[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.