If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
where do you see yourself in five years?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.