A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’m going to need a moment here.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I already tried new things thanks.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.