[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I can’t stop laughing at this
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping