Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
You Might Also Like
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I think they could have phrased this better
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*