I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.