Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
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“We will wed,” I threatened
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
The options really are this bad
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more