[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.