please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
How do you milk an almond?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Harsh but fair
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.