Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
We have a winner.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car