I like crazy people until they notice me
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Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.