I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Did I do this right
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I know
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears