Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane