She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on