burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
You Might Also Like
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or