kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
That took me a moment.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Trumpy Cat
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?