(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
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Whisper out to librarians!
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no