At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid