Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
So inspired right now.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me in tagged photos
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.