One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy