Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
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*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy