THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”