I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
You Might Also Like
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
A roof is a house hat.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.