Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Note to self: I am a note
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Florida be like…
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe