My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.