Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
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wow
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
January has been Januweary
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805