A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?