When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
scares
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow