Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
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Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Get in loser we’re going crying
This did not end as expected.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years