Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
what does he know…
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?