Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
She: I like Cats
He:
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*