My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
You Might Also Like
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I need better friends
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination