My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
You Might Also Like
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.