What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot