Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no