Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’