Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
This is not me but this is me
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…