Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.