People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Seems a bit forward
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.