Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I never needed anything more in my life
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
How to properly lift a body