Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My Guy
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
mariah carrie
Batman v Dracula
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles